When my partner and I arrived at my terminal at JFK, I pulled my tattered suitcase out of the trunk — my fingers leaving their damp prints clinging to the handle. Jayson insisted on lugging it the rest of the way to the airport. “No, I can do this by myself,” I told him. I was only referring to the suitcase, but hindsight told me that this would be one of many things I needed to do by myself over the following weeks.
The night before, I was trying to fall asleep next to Jayson in our bed. Instead, I was tossing and turning from the guilt I felt. I should be more grateful to Jayson. He helped me pay for this trip. I’d paid him back every penny, but without his help, I wouldn’t be going to Scotland at all. I was lucky that he was incredibly supportive. He wasn’t envious of my opportunity to travel even though he never had vacations from his full-time managerial position. He wasn’t even jealous that Angus would get all my attention over the next couple of weeks. He seemed content when I told him I’d video chat with him. He was so patient with me. I was lucky. And yet, I couldn’t wait to leave. No relationship was perfect, and we’d been arguing over the past couple of months.
Earlier that same day we sat in Jayson’s idling Chrysler — my tears painting my cheeks.
“I feel like things are just…stagnant,” I said, “I don’t know what other word to use. We’re not moving forward. We’re not moving backwards or anything but I feel stuck…” Relationships are supposed to stay interesting. Your partner is supposed to keep you on your toes.
Jayson’s voice shook as he responded. “I don’t know what to say. I feel like things are going well. We go on dates. We go to the gym together. We have our shows. We spend time with our friends…”
Of course he didn’t get it. He was creature of habit. Spontaneity was not his forte. We’d had this discussion several times before, and it always ended with us going inside and watching our Netflix shows. It would be like nothing had ever transpired. I’d tried for so long to mold him into what I needed. But in the back of my mind, I knew that was wrong. I knew I had to either take him as he was, or leave him. I avoided thinking about that alternative. It wasn’t an option — not after three years of both beautiful and painful memories.
And yet, I was eager to go and give us some space to cool off, so our goodbye at the airport was short and sweet. Distance would make the heart grow fonder, right? I let him go too eagerly, my mind already filling with other matters as I moved on to my gate.
After only an hour, I was at my gate peering down at my ticket. It read: Delta Flight 0409 JFK→EDI. My heart lurched as what I was doing slowly sunk in. I was leaving everything I knew, everything I was comfortable with in order to visit my best friend Angus Mapplebeck for his 21st birthday in Elderslie, Scotland. I wasn’t sure what to expect during this trip, but I knew Angus would be there to support me no matter what happened. He had been there for me for the past six years — ever since the moment we met in an oblong swimming pool at a Florida resort. Jayson knew me best, but Angus gave me a level of support that only the purest of friends could give. The foundation of our friendship may have been our mutual love of everything DC and Marvel, but our friendship had blossomed when I’d visited him the previous summer. I hoped we would grow even stronger this time around. And yet, I was still anxious. I didn’t want to face change.
I finally had my life planned out. Like any senior in college, it was time to make decisions. Because I had Jayson, my decision was already made. Once you’ve had a partner for a number of years, everything becomes an “us” and a “we.” I had a duty to follow my other half and make that “we” permanent. The thought of this made my long-winded anxiety kick up a notch until I was sweating so profusely that I left a glistening outline of my figure on the leather chair. I got up to board the plane and looked down. It looked like a shadow. A darker version of me. But, unlike a shadow, I was able to leave it behind. For once, I wasn’t being followed and I wasn’t following. I was free.
8/11/18
Angus’s party would commence in just a few hours and my nerves were creeping back in. In a matter of hours, there would be people filling up every open space the Mapplebeck Victorian home had to offer. The corner of Main Road and Nuton Avenue would be crowded as people tried to find spaces to fit their tiny European chariots. I knew day this was coming. There were certain people I would undoubtedly meet. There was only one in particular that still made made my fists clench when I thought about him. But we’d already met. And this was not the time to allow any drama. This day was for Angus and I needed to lock away old memories. When you love someone like I love my best friend, you pack away your bullshit for a day and put on a smile.
It was three hours later when the packing ripped.
There’s always that one person at a party that you don’t know if you want to see, but you risk it and go anyways because what the hell.
I was bringing Angus’s grandmother’s cake down the narrow, ground-floor hallway, my feet slapping against the hardwood, when I jumped out of my skin. He was walking up the steps, opposite of the room I was looking for, and we locked eyes briefly. He said, “hey,” his face expressionless, and my own “hey” sounded false and high-pitched in response. My feet kept moving towards a different room without my permission and he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief in the other room but in my mind was yelling: “Stay away from him” “Don’t talk to him.” I rolled my eyes at myself. It was a whole year since I saw him last. He wasn’t going to bite.
Over the next couple of hours, I tried to keep my distance but everything was tempting. The food, the champagne, the atmosphere and Kyle himself. Standing at 6’1”, he towered over me — his body lean despite his previous claims of a sedentary lifestyle. He was clad in a form-fitting button-down — the black a startling contrast from his sandy hair — with slim blue jeans and Chelsea boots to complete the ensemble. I could tell he was keeping a respectful distance as well, but as the minutes ticked by we inched closer and closer to one another. Before I knew it, we were sitting next to one another in matching patio chairs under the portable green tent — catching up while discussing music and literature.
“Have you heard the album D.A.M.N. by Kendrick Lamar?” I asked eagerly.
“I don’t think so. Isn’t he a rap artist?”
“Yeah. He won a Pulitzer too. But I have to say, Money Trees is, by far, my favorite song of his. It’s the first one I heard, but it’s also the first one I analyzed. It’s full of hidden meanings. It even references his uncle’s death and the injustice Kendrick felt afterwards…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to seem boring. I was surprised that he hadn’t interrupted me by that point. Usually, Jayson would have distracted me with something by now or his eyes would wander away and I would be left feeling unheard. Instead, Kyle kept unwavering eye contact and nodded along without interrupting. The difference in interaction was striking.
We continued talking then, but, mid-conversation, I remembered all of the things that made me feel bitter towards him. Angus warned me last year that he was good at “pulling” girls — a term he spoke of with his own bitterness mingled in. Drinks make people bolder, so I looked at Kyle directly and stated, “I am nobody’s conquest.” He looked startled for a moment before he looked back at me, his ocean eyes piercing, and said, “I know.” I hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether or not I believed him.
It’s dangerous to take someone’s word. But that’s just what I did. Adrenaline pulled me toward him like a riptide, and sent me adrift.
***
Clubs lined each street in Glasgow, but it was still Angus’s evening and he wanted to go to a club called Bamboo. There were eight of us going so we had to travel separately. Angus and a few of his friends decided to take an Uber while Nathan and Selina, an adorable couple, offered their own ride. Kyle and I looked at each other and both hopped onto their wool blanket in the crowded backseat. Nathan and Selina smiled at each other as Nathan fiddled with his Apple Music playlist. They were both dressed impeccably. Selina wearing a form-fitting leather dress and Nathan a white button-down with slacks. Selina’s long dark hair spilled over her dress and I couldn’t help but tug at my own short locks in envy. I groaned softly to myself because it took me two years to get Jayson to stop wearing Disney T-shirts every other day. In fact, his style rubbed off on me so much that I was used to wearing T-shirts myself — something I hardly ever did before we started dating. Why couldn’t we be a beautiful couple like them?
Although, if I was being honest with myself, it wasn’t even their beauty that I was envious of. They just looked so happy to share each other’s company. Kyle and I observed quietly in the backseat as Nathan mouthed off over one thing or another and Selina would laugh as her azure eyes would roll back in her head — she was used to his antics and yet she didn’t look like she felt stuck. I knew they argued too. They had both come to me during their arguments. But, they always seemed to ride out the wave and make it to the other side without falling off the board and drowning.
***
The club was a hole in the wall that you had to enter through one of two sets of stairs. It’s dark color scheme made the lights seem so bright that I walked right by the coat room. Kyle pulled my arm and dragged me back to which point I had to pay fifty pence for what appeared to be a carnival ticket with a number stamped on it. Almost immediately, we split off into couplings. Eventually, I went to go get my second drink and Kyle followed. The bar was long and wooden and sticky from the girl that spilled her vodka-lemonade next to us. The next song came on and it was an early 2000s bop, so I towed Kyle to the center of the dance floor. The groupings were on the outside, just out of sight. As we started to dance, I couldn’t help but think that part of me wanted isolation. I wanted this sensual and attentive person all to myself. One song blended into the next and one drink was replaced by two more. Kyle’s hands reached ever closer until he was gripping my left leg and yanking me against him. Our faces were veiled in indigo as we stared at each other, both deliberating. At the peak of the melody, he leaned down to lay his cheek against my own. My heart stuttered and picked up doubletime.
What did it mean to feel so attracted and so connected to someone that it was pulling everything you knew about yourself apart?
Just then, we were interrupted as Angus claimed he wanted to leave. It seemed like my decision was made for me. We all moved towards the exit, but then Nathan and Selina spoke up and said they wanted to stay. It was only midnight. I looked at Kyle at that moment, and I knew then that we were both thinking the same thing. This night couldn’t be over. I boldly chimed in and said that I wanted to stay too. Angus peered at me for a long moment and seemed to be deliberating himself. His expression seemed to ask me if this is what I really wanted. I still wasn’t completely sure, but I wanted to find out. Something in my face made him shrug and assent. He and most of the rest of the group left. Now it was just Nathan, Selina, Kyle and I. When we re-entered the club, Nathan and Selina sensed our need for space and left Kyle and I alone. I could sense a change in atmosphere. Everyone seemed hungrier somehow and the feeling was infectious. I walked by several couples grinding against one another. They had given in. Could I?
In the next moment, “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira came on and Kyle looked at each other and laughed. I began to belt the lyrics and let my arms fall free as my hips swung around to the beat — my back to Kyle. Upon hearing the sax solo, I turned around to face him. The sensation of vertigo was so strong. I was standing on an edge, and I was being pulled in two directions. I hesitated slightly, but I knew then which direction I would follow. It wasn’t necessarily right, but I wanted it badly. He seemed to sense it too. A moment’s pause followed, and then he was on me. He was everywhere. No other stimuli could leak in. Like flipping a switch, I sensed the change immediately. From here, things would never be the same. But I couldn’t find it in my heart to be sad or feel guilty. This moment was bliss, and if this was my last one then it was still worth it.
***
The next few hours were equally blissful. After dancing for a long while, we ended up outside of the club under the inky sky and pelting rain. Kyle slung his brown button-down jacket around my shoulders, and I eagerly stuffed my arms through the too-long sleeves. I took a private moment to breathe in his floral scent along the jacket’s collar. I wouldn’t forget. He immediately started shivering himself so I opened the sides of the jacket so he could slide his arms in. We stood huddled for some time just listening to one another breathe. With Jayson I had always felt pressure to fill up silences with talk. Here, Kyle and I could just enjoy one another without forced chatter. I thought about how much I cared about this person I hardly knew. But no, I couldn’t believe that. I didn’t know his brand of toothpaste but that didn’t mean I didn’t know him. Something in me ached to keep him. I wanted him in my life — in any way I could have him. I resolved to talk to him. I didn’t know what to expect. He constantly surprised me. Something in the pit of my stomach told me I shouldn’t get my hopes up.
I was right.
8/12/18
Kyle and I had stayed up until six, when the darkness began to fade, talking about what came next. The conversation felt unfinished. Where was my closure? But this is what I gathered: that night, that was it for us. In fact, there wasn’t an “us” in the first place. I had practically begged to keep in touch, but Kyle was stubbornly set on keeping his distance. I told him that I’d made it work with Angus, but Kyle remained unconvinced. “I just don’t know how it could work” he told me, avoiding eye contact for once. My sides ached, but I had no tears to shed. He clearly didn’t see our situation in the same way that I did. I tried to tell myself that maybe it just wasn’t our time. Maybe if circumstances were different, things would be different. But delusions wouldn’t help me heal.
***
Later that day, I was sitting in a beat-up booth in a roller skating rink in downtown Glasgow. Angus was off playing airsoft with friends that came up for his party, and I was not about to endure tiny circular bruises all over my body.
The paint on the seats was chipping as Nathan and I sank into a deep discussion. When I finally admitted to him all that had happened between Kyle and I, I was surprised when he looked unsurprised. He knew I was in a relationship. Nathan gave me a knowing look. I asked him “Shouldn’t I feel guilty? Is it wrong that I don’t?” I had done something that society deemed horrible and, at in certain cases, unforgivable. My head sunk lower to the table but my eyes darted up as Nathan cleared his throat. He looked at me without blinking and asked, “Are you happy?” I knew immediately that he was referring to Jayson. I sat back and tried to find the “yes” that I thought was supposed to come out. If I could just force it out of my throat… But I’d paused too long, and we both knew my answer. No one had ever asked me that question. Friends always saw how Jayson and I got along so well — Angus especially. Angus loved Jayson. But he, among others, never saw our fights. They never witnessed our trauma. Nathan, however, had never seen us together and I think that’s exactly why he was the most objective friend to help me deal with my internal struggle.
It all came pouring out in a rush. I told him that I felt scared. I didn’t want to settle down. I was too young. And that’s where things with Jayson seemed to be headed. I told him that I felt unheard. “You know the people that you know aren’t truly listening to you because they’re just waiting for you to stop talking until they can talk about what they want? I asked.
Nathan smiled as I continued to put the pieces together. “I think Kyle represented everything I wanted and everything I wasn’t getting. It’s not like it is in the movies where I just ran off with a stranger because I wasn’t getting laid enough. Kyle gave me more than that.” Kyle listened to me. He actually listened. I didn’t know how unheard I felt in three years. I was living in the shadow of a “we”. Most importantly, I’d let myself live in that shadow. It was my fault, not Jayson’s. I got comfortable. I let myself go, and in doing so I lost my own identity. I lost a sense of self and confidence that made me, me. As I lost that confidence, I fell into a depression so deep that I had to claw my way out. And yet, here, with Kyle, it was like none of that ever existed. “Here” I told Nathan, “I felt confident, I felt wanted, and I felt like me.” Nathan interjected with, “You deserve to feel like that. You’re too young to deal with constant drama and sadness dragging you down. You deserve to be free and be who you are.” He was right, I did deserve those things. I’d left that shadow of myself on the seat in the airport. I think for good. Now it was time to find out who I was outside of my shadow.
I had a duty to myself to be honest with myself, and that would mean being honest with Jayson. It was time to part ways. I would deal with whatever came next as long as it would mean I would get to keep my new “me”. I was like I was being reintroduced to myself. And I couldn’t wait to get to know me.
Veronica Garis is a senior English major with a minor in women’s studies. She is currently a writing tutor and Communications Coordinator for the writing center at Penn State Learning.