“I’ve got my outfit all picked out. I’m wearing the green velvet pants with the buttons on the sides. I think he’ll like them. And then I’m just going to wear a plain white sweater and those cute red flats with the bows on them. I hope he likes it.” I can feel myself grinning just thinking about it.

“Oh my God, yes,” Caroline pauses to twirl her hair around her finger, “but what if you look like a Christmas tree?”

“No, no, the colors are fall colors. The shoes are like a dark red. What if he does though? You think so? You think I’ll look like a Christmas tree?”

“Okay, no, you’re right.” She sees the mild panic in my eyes. “Hey, Liam really likes you, you know. He’ll love whatever you’re wearing.”

“I know, but we haven’t eaten, like, dinner together. That’s like a whole new level.” 

“Yeah, but he said he wanted to go. You asked him, and he said ‘yes.’”

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m just nervous after last weekend. That was the first time we slept together.”

Caroline gives me a little wink. “Then he definitely likes you.”

I blush a little. “Okay, okay, you’re right. I have to get ready; I’ll see you later.”

Caroline reaches for the old door knob and walks out. The moment she’s gone, I can’t help myself. I literally jump up and down in circles around my tiny, living room floor. Thank God my roommates aren’t home. I even let out a little squeal. Liam likes me. Me. He likes me.

I grab my Kylie Jenner Burgundy palette from my desk and dust the gold and brown shadow on my lids before swiping on some mascara. I plug in my flat iron and stare down at the little red light as if I could will it to heat up faster. The sooner it turns green, the sooner I can straighten my hair, the sooner I can get dressed, the sooner I can leave. 

My heart is racing a little as I put the final touches on my outfit and analyze every possible inch of my appearance in the mirror. I most certainly do not look like a Christmas tree.

i’m ready whenever. i’m excited :)” I send the text and grab my key. 

omg hey sorry. i’ve honestly been so busy today with homework and stuff and kinda forgot to text you i can’t make dinner. another time maybe? we could even hang later tonight if you want. i’m having some people over.”

I can feel the embarrassment spread out through my body. I stare down at the little text for a while. Of course he didn’t really like me. I knew Caroline was wrong. I stand in my bedroom. I’m not even looking at the text, but it’s still playing again and again in my head. This is the fifth time in two weeks. And this is different. This is real. This is dinner. But I guess it didn’t really matter, did it? 

Oh, calm down, I tell myself, It’s really not that serious. 

yeah sure. that’s so fine.” I hit send.

great. see you tonight.” I drop my phone on my bed and change into leggings and a sweatshirt.

hey. you’re coming out to my apartment tonight right. come whenever.” I see the text from Erin. Perfect. She lives right by Liam. I can just text him when I’m there because I’ll be close. It’ll be so casual. I’m already nearby, so I can just swing by when everybody leaves Erin’s. 

yeah. be there soon.” I check my phone. It’s 10:27; Liam hasn’t texted me since  6:04. It’s fine. He said he was busy. He probably had a long week. I grab a jacket and head over to Erin’s.

It’s 1:33 in the morning, and I still haven’t texted him. My phone’s almost dead from the amount of times I’ve clicked it on and off in case I’ve somehow missed Liam’s text. Just in case he texts me first. It’s fine, I tell myself, I can just text him like I planned.

“hey. i’m actually so close to your house right now. did you still want me to come over? i could literally be over in like ten mins.”

Most people have left at this point, and I can see Erin staring at me. She wants me to leave. I know she does. Come on, Liam. I type out a text to Caroline. I want to tell her about him flaking. I want to tell her how much it’s bothering me, which is so dumb. Everybody flakes. I’ve flaked. I still flake. I stop myself though. Liam’s one of her best friends too. What if she tells him how upset I am? What if he thinks I’m crazy? What if he thinks I like him too much? That would be even worse than if he just thinks I’m crazy. That would mean he would know I’m attached. He can’t know that. Not yet.

Erin’s whispering to one of her roommates. Fuck, I have to leave. I smile and give Erin a hug to say goodbye. I’ve clearly overstayed my welcome, and she makes it clear in the way she flattens her mouth into a line as she tells me she’ll see me soon.

I check my phone and sigh. I sat around for nothing. There’s no notifications from Liam. Just a text from Caroline. 

how’s it goin’ babe!!!!! i wanna know everything.” 

Liam didn’t even tell her he cancelled. That’s how little he cares. Or maybe that’s how much he didn’t think it was a big deal. Maybe that’s just who he is.

The fall wind whips the leaves up around the sidewalk, and I pull the jacket tighter. I silently scold myself for wearing this stupidly tiny tank top in this weather. The jacket itself is more for fashion than actual warmth purposes. The hairs on my arms stand up even with the sleeves covering them. I can feel a few tears prick the backs of my eyelids, and my teeth start to chatter a little.

Liam had been my friend. If he didn’t really like me, why’d he have to go and kiss me? He kissed me first. I didn’t kiss him. He said he liked me first. I didn’t say anything. 

The tears begin to fall, but the wind dries them immediately. I’m running home at this point. I look absolutely pathetic. I’m running home alone on a Friday night dressed absolutely ridiculously. I’m not even wearing a bra, and my nipples are completely visible through the thin fabric. Fuck this. 

I’m out of breath by the time I reach my apartment building. I check my phone. It reads 2:03. I can barely punch in the code to my building. I take one step inside. The moment I feel the hot air rush through me, I burst into tears. I let the snot run and let the watery mascara burn my eyes. I slept with him. I fucking slept with him. I slept with him, and he can’t even be bothered to text me back. I burst through my front door and collapse onto the stained couch. The pale green of the couch is usually such a sickening color, but tonight, I’ve never wanted to sink into it more. I accidentally suck in some stray strands of hair stuck to the cushion and cough a splutter, snot- filled cough. 

I hear a chime from my phone and snort. 

Of course. 

“hey sorry. honestly i’m so trashed but you still can come but like i might not even be awake when you get here lol.”

“okay.” I don’t have the energy to type anything else.

He doesn’t even reply. 

He hasn’t even replied as I’m walking home from the gym the next day. I replay yesterday in my head. I’m so worked up I could scream. 

I remember last weekend. We were laying in his bed. The covers were pulled up around us and his hand was interlaced in mine. He already knew about my parents, but I never really told him how much it fucked me up. I told him about how I wanted to drop out of school. I told him how my mom disappeared one night over summer break and didn’t come back for four days. I told him how I never found out where she went but that I knew not to call the police. She had texted my brother and I the next morning she was fine and would be back soon. I told him how I was scared anyway.  

“Sorry about last night :/ We can def hang later if you want to come by.” That’s it? No apology? Nothing? Do I want to “come by?” I almost have to laugh. 

“i still haven’t heard about last night!!! tell me tell me tell me!!!” 

“he flaked and then he flaked again. and that’s what happened.” I can feel the anger in the text. 

“:( i’m so sorry what a dick move.” Yeah, I already know. 

“yeah oh well. what can ya do i guess. just wish i didn’t sleep with him. it’s dumb but i just thought he was different.” How cliché can I be? 

She replies with a sad face, and I roll my eyes a little. 

“he’s just having a bad week! i’m sure everything’s fine. come out with me tonight.” 

“maybe but what if liam is there?”

“good. make him jealous.” 

Make him jealous? By doing what? I cringe a little at the idea. 

 

I stand in front of my mirror. My black jeans are tight. My black tank top is cut low. The heels on my black boots are high. 

I reach for my phone. I see the three notifications I have yet to reply to. Liam asking me if I’m coming tonight, Caroline telling me she told Liam I’m coming, and Caroline telling me Liam is excited to see me. My heart is racing a little reading them again. 

“Katie, you look hot.” My roommate looks up at me from her computer. 

I pull my shirt down towards the waistband of my jeans. It keeps riding up. “Really?” 

“Yes. Go have fun.” I give myself one more once-over in the mirror. I’m wearing another tiny shirt. The temperature outside is 42 degrees. I can already feel the regret pulling me back to my bedroom as I step out into the cold. 

“Are you excited?” Caroline pokes me in the back playfully.

I just shrug. “Honestly, not really.”

“Hey, he’s excited. That’s a good thing,” she pauses and looks to her left, “oooooh, he sees you. Have fun.” Caroline’s gone before I can follow behind her. 

And then I see him too. I see him seeing me. I lick my lips in anticipation. They’re so dry. Why are they so dry? They’re burning as I bite them. Hard. I think I might’ve just made them bleed. Fuck. I wrap my arms around myself self-consciously. 

He’s walking toward me. And that’s when I notice it. I’m not excited to see him. I’m so mad. I want to slap him across his face and leave my big, red handprint right on his cheek.

“Hey, you look really good.” He smiles at me. “Glad you could make it. You want to come over later?” Later? It’s literally midnight. 

I avoid eye contact. My feet are shifting back and forth. “Um, maybe. I’m kind of tired.”

“Oh, come on. You’re not really mad about yesterday, right? It’s not a big deal. Some other time.”

“Yeah, sure. Some other time.” I look down at my fingernails. The skin around them has started to bleed from how badly I’m picking at them. 

“So then, yes? You want to come over later?” He reaches out to grab onto my waist.

His fingers are slithering around my body. I shiver a little and pull away. He tries again and, this time, takes a few steps closer. He leans down until his mouth is level with my ear. “I’ve been waiting to see you all night. Especially after last weekend. I could literally take you home right now.”

“You literally could’ve seen me yesterday.” I pull away from him. I have to pull my shirt down again. It’s riding up again. 

“Come on, Katie. It’s not that deep. I was busy.”

“I’m busy too.” I see Caroline somewhere behind Liam’s shoulder. She winks at me and waves. “Actually, I have to go. Sorry.”

“Are you serious? You’re crazy. It’s not that deep.”

“Um, yeah. Sorry.” I see Caroline giving me a confused look, but I just ignore it. Fuck, I wish I had a different jacket. 

“Hey, where are you going? What about Liam?” Caroline looks a little pissed off. 

“Um, Liam’s kind of an asshole. I’m just going to go home. You can stay though. I don’t really care.” There’s a few tears in my eyes as I say it out loud. 

“Well, okay. He likes you though. He’s just, you know, a little hard to get to sometimes.” 

“Right. Well, I have to go. I’ll see you.”

I wipe my eyes a little with my ice-cold hand. The same stupid jacket I have on again really isn’t doing anything. I can feel their eyes following me as I walk out. I feel a kind of satisfaction through the sadness; I’m flaky now.


Hannah Singletary is from Atlanta, Georgia. She attends Penn State, University Park, and her major is English. She’s minoring in both Spanish and rhetoric. She enjoys creative nonfiction and hopes to work at a publishing house in New York after graduating. Around campus, Hannah is apart of Outcast dance team, Volé Dance Company, and Delta Gamma Sorority.